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SPEAK UP ! ~ a series of columns I wrote originally for Library Life , discussing some of the topical issues facing people and organisations.  Others are avaiable here

Going it alone?

We tend to grow up believing we have to do stuff ourselves, and it simply ain't necessarily so. When things are going well we enjoy the feeling of achievement and success and when things are not going so well we tend to think badly of ourselves or others, get frustrated or angry, and think we just have to struggle on or put up with it, whatever IT happens to be.

That is one way of seeing it, but there are costs. Lower productivity, more reworking, poor job satisfaction, poor team dynamics are just a few. Sometimes in serious cases people's health is affected which then leads to self esteem issues and even feelings of guilt. Who has not felt guilty about staying home and leaving the rest of the team to carry the load. It is not uncommon.

Sharing your thoughts and perceptions earlier about whatever concerns you, is in my view, a simple way to alleviate the pressure that can build up when you try to go it alone. I know that sometimes it is not easy but then continuing to carry the load alone isn't easy either. Finding a way to have your concern aired with someone who is concerned enough to give you their dedicated time and attention is often the first step to a break-through.

When someone really listens to you this is what can happen :

• You will feel valued
• You will feel understood
• It will help build stronger relationships
• It helps others learn about what is really important to you
• It helps defuse conflict

In good listening the focus is totally on the speaker ~ but think for a moment about how much listening really went on the last meeting you attended. In good listening there is no judgment of the message ~ again cast your mind back to when you last noticed this happening ! In good listening people do not rush to get in their own response or even finish your sentence for you. They LISTEN to you.

So where will you find someone to listen? You may know someone who is superb at this - enjoy that fact that you know them, and enjoy talking with them. They have all too rare skill. You may need to train someone - the exclamation of "just shut up and listen" is not such a foolhardy thing to say when you have someone you trust in your network, but they need some training from you! In my experience most people have the capacity to be a very good listener, they just need some targeted and very focused help. You may employ the services of a mentor or coach (my training for example involved 8 weeks practising listening) or you may like to hone up your own skills and offer your listening ear to those around you. Sometimes really listening to someone as they talk through their challenges, concerns or delights, attracts to us a reciprocal offering. It also magically and quite quickly puts our own concerns into perspective.

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